Today is a sad yet happy day. About a month ago, we had found out we were expecting baby #5. For some reason, I was super excited about this one compare to the other ones. Perhaps is because I was feeling great; not much nausea, no vomiting... Unfortunately, some bleeding came yesterday, followed few hours later by a lot cramping. After a visit to the ER, the blood test came back with my biggest fear. My levels had decreased on the cell division indicating I was having a miscarriage. ;(
If you know me, I am not an emotional person, not because I don't want to be but because I was raised that way. Yet, I couldn't hold back the tears for quite a while... On my first and last appointment with my OB two days ago, everything sounded so fine, yet we couldn't hear the heartbeat because it was too soon.
After all, I never heard it.
Today, I am packing away all the pregnancy clothes I wont wear soon, and with that I am saying a short good bye till we meet again with my precious one, who will always remain in my heart.
All I know, is he or she was supposed to touch our hearts for a short while and remind us of our Saviors Atonement, of our covenants in the temple, of the promise of eternal families. I don't, for one minute take for granted our family bond and cherish the day when is our time to go to Heavenly Father's presence and have our little one welcome us. I hear some say there is no Spirit till there is a heartbeat, others say is the minute the cells divide. Either which way, I am humble to have such tender mercy. I am soooo thankful for such beautiful and healthy 4 children we have now, and how little problems I had during their pregnancies. Our Savior is such loving being, the thought of Him is already so comforting. I am resting and waiting for such process to continue and run its course. It seems as though, my whole body is feeling the toll of not growing life. Perhaps is a physical way of saying good bye as well.
God may continue to comfort us, and continue finding joy in the journey.
Our oldest approached me and said, "I am sorry about number 5. I wish you could ask for another baby for Christmas! Can't you?" Sweet boy.
I am happy, to have loving children, but best of all, a comforting and loving husband who in spite of his short sleep and busy schedule made time to be with me through it all. I love you Jay, my true friend, sweetheart, eternal companion and dreamed prince charming. ;)